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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26481784">you're one hot pizza ass</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckyboos/pseuds/Duckyboos'>Duckyboos</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Profound Meetings [12]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Creatures &amp; Monsters, Incubus Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Pizza Delivery Person Dean Winchester, Vampire Gabriel (Supernatural)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:28:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,468</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26481784</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckyboos/pseuds/Duckyboos</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Supernatural prank wars can get so out of hand.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Profound Meetings [12]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820488</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>226</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you're one hot pizza ass</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm pretty far behind with RL stuff atm and have an important deadline coming up at the end of the month, so I'm gonna put this series on hold until the beginning of October. Same with Dial M.<br/>Number 1 Crush will still post as normal though.<br/>Apologies, guys! Just a little swamped atm.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There's a rumor about the dude who lives at the top of the hill in the old Novak house.</p><p>Correction: not <em>a </em> rumor. <em> Several</em>.</p><p>Over the years, they've gotten increasingly crazy. </p><p>What started off as simple speculation about a hermit with agoraphobia, has now escalated to a serial killer vampire who snacks on children. </p><p>Personally, Dean thinks that’s much cooler. In fact, he kinda hopes for it, ‘cause nothing exciting ever happens in this lame-ass town. A kid-munching vampire might liven things up a little.</p><p>As Dean approaches the house, he has to admit that the place itself is kinda foreboding; all spiky and gloomy, the house-ification of 80s goth aesthetic. </p><p>Dean pushes the doorbell button, half expecting some Sisters of Mercy to play or Lurch to answer to the door, but neither happens. The bell makes a perfectly average, if slightly out-of-place (and therefore jarring) sound, and the dude that answers it is far from terrifyingly tall, shambling, or lugubrious.</p><p>No, this dude is just the right height, with otherworldly blue eyes, a face to die for and a body to kill for. He’s wearing a non-vampirey jeans and a t-shirt combo rather than a cape and medallion, but Dean’s learned never to go by appearances alone.</p><p>“Yes?” The guy - according to the sticker printed on his order, a Castiel Novak - says in a low rumble and Dean already knows he would follow this guy to the ends of the earth. There’s a fog in his brain and a coil of heat in his gut, and he might only be nineteen, but this right here? Well, it’s obviously true love.</p><p>“Err,” Dean attempts to drag himself together, remembering why he’s here. “Pizza? You -- umm, ordered a Margarita with extra garlic sauce on the side.”</p><p>Not a Dracula-esque vampire then.</p><p>“Ah, thank you.” Castiel smiles and - no fangs - so not even an Anne Rice vampire.</p><p>Dean’s kinda disappointed, but that’s certainly tempered by the feel of this guy’s cool skin against Dean’s burning hot palm as he drops the money into it, and takes the pizza. “Keep the change.”</p><p>And then he’s shutting the aged oak door in Dean’s stupid, lovestruck face.</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>A week later, Dean’s back at the Novak place, nervous and sweaty-palmed. He swears that he’s been under some kind of a lust spell since that last time he was here. He’s been jerking off pretty much non-stop to the memory of plush lips and sharp cheekbones. Admittedly, he’s a teenager, so the inability to leave his dick alone for longer than five minutes is kind of part of the package (heh), but he’s actually starting to chafe now. </p><p>This time, when the door swings open, a different guy, one with whiskey-colored eyes, is standing there in a neon green kimono.</p><p>“Hello, pizza boy!” He leers. He glances down at the small pot of garlic sauce balanced atop the pizza box. “Ohhh, he thinks he’s so fucking funny. Just for that I’m gonna find one of those medieval spells and go thirteenth century on his ass.”</p><p>Seemingly remembering that Dean is still standing there, greasy pizza in hand, the dude flashes a smile at him and <em>holy shit </em> - fangs! - before he stuffs a couple of twenties into Dean’s empty palm, grabs the pizza, and slams the door in his face.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The next time, it’s Castiel again, and Dean’s dick responds accordingly. </p><p>“Uh,” Dean manages. “A margarita pizza?”</p><p>No garlic sauce this time.</p><p>“Thank you,” Castiel says and it’s then that Dean notices how tired he looks. He’s still agonizingly beautiful, but there are dark bruises pressed deep beneath his hued eyes, the vibrancy of which somehow seems muted this time around.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Dean asks, even though it’s not his place, and the only thing he knows about this guy is that he likes boring pizza and has an unwavering ability to make Dean’s dick hard.</p><p>Castiel fumbles for his money with listless hands, “Yes.”</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Dean steps forward, drawn in by multiple forms of need. “Do you wanna sit down or something?”</p><p>Blue eyes rise and fall on him and Dean’s dick twitches. The guy’s expression abruptly shifts from tired to panic-stricken, and he beats a hasty retreat into the house, leaving Dean standing there with both the cash and the pizza.</p><p>He leaves the latter on the porch.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>A call for pizza to the Novak house doesn’t come in for a couple of weeks and Dean’s starting to freak out. The dude didn’t look so good last time and what happens if something major has happened?</p><p>Dean decides to drive by - he’d do it for all of his ridiculously attractive customers, alright - but the place looks the same as always. </p><p>He cuts the engine of his car at the bottom of the driveway and sits there, hands on the wheel, chewing his lip. </p><p>What should he do? </p><p>What he <em>should </em>do and what he’s <em>going </em>to do are two very different things. He yanks the keys out of the ignition and slams the car door shut.</p><p>Walking up the driveway without a pizza in hand seems weird as fuck, but the even weirder thing is that Dean doesn’t even get the chance to knock on the door, before it swings open and he’s getting yanked inside by a remarkably strong hand. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>It’s pitch black inside the house, kinda a little musty-incensey, and all Dean can hear are the disembodied voices of the two pizza customers. </p><p>“Gabriel, <em> no</em>.” </p><p>“Oh come on, Castiel. He’s pretty, you said it yourself.”</p><p>Dean blindly shuffles around, arms out in front of him, waiting for his eyes to adjust and hoping that this place isn’t as spiky on the inside as it looks on the outside. </p><p>“That doesn’t mean I want him to undo the damage <em> you </em> did.”</p><p>They’re talking about Dean, right? They’ve gotta be.</p><p>“You started it, Cassie! Thinking you’re so slick with the garlic prank.”</p><p>Dean can hear the sibling annoyance in Castiel’s voice when he replies, “I did not start it! You did. Poor Balthazar is still finding salt in his clothes, Raphael won’t go near a jeweler, and Michael? Michael’s terrified of mirrors, thanks to you.”</p><p>Gabriel laughs, pleased with himself. “You have to admit, they were good pranks.”</p><p>Dean bumps into what he realizes is a fireplace, and his fingertips brush over the turning hook of an iron poker. He recoils with a hissed, “Shit.”</p><p>Luckily, neither of his captors seem to be paying him any mind, ‘cause in the next second, Castiel is growling, “And binding me with ancient magick? You think that’s a good prank, do you? You<em> know </em> what that can do to an incubus.”</p><p>“Admittedly, I didn’t think it the whole way through.”</p><p>Dean finally joins the fray, blurting out, “An incubus? Oh, that is <em>super</em> rapey. Like, even more rapey than a vampire.”</p><p>“Hey!” Both of his captors exclaim at the same time. Then Gabriel continues, “That’s slander!”</p><p>“Er, sorry?” </p><p>Though, he’s not really. Of all the supernatural beings in existence, vampires, succubi-slash-incubi, and sirens are the super kinky, dangerous ones.</p><p>Which is why Dean has a thing for them, <em>obviously</em>.</p><p>“All of my donors are willing,” Castiel says, suddenly right behind him, and Dean spins on his heel, finding himself face-to-face with glowing blue eyes. Reading Dean’s hazy, lust-fueled thoughts, Castiel adds, “And no, I don’t use my powers on pizza boys.”</p><p>Oh. ‘Course not. He’s probably got a harem of donors.</p><p>Dean doesn’t need to imagine exactly what being a donor would entail, not when incubi feed off of sexual energy.</p><p>He doesn’t <em>need </em>to, but he does anyway. </p><p>Swallowing hard in the darkness, wondering how he can get himself on <em>that </em>donor registry, he asks, “So, you’re currently bound. Is that why you looked so… I mean, not that you’re not beautiful... uh. Shit. What I’m tryna ask is, how do you undo that?”</p><p>“Sex!” Comes the gleeful answer from Gabriel. “Lots and lots of sex!”</p><p>“More than humans are capable of handling.” Castiel intones gravely, though Dean watches as he tilts his head, twin flares of blue narrowing as he considers something, as he considers <em> Dean</em>.</p><p>It has hope fluttering in Dean’s chest and dick.</p><p>“Oh.” Dean says, “So lots of sex and orgasms?” </p><p>Must be a hard life. Pun totally intended. </p><p>“Yep!” Gabriel confirms, just over his shoulder. “Probably over at least a couple of days with the shape Cassie is in.”</p><p>It would be kinda foolish of Dean not to grasp this opportunity with both fucking hands. “I mean, I could always help?”</p><p>“Did you not hear what I just said?” Castiel asks, the blue growing brighter. “It’ll kill you.”</p><p>“Yeah, no, I’ll be fine,” Dean shoots Castiel his flirtiest grin, “‘Cause it just so happens that I’m not entirely human either.”</p>
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